Anger management is an extremely useful skill to develop.
Sometimes, our anger is legitimate and serves to enforce our personal boundaries when others infringe upon them.
At other times, our anger can be out of line and exaggerated more than necessary, due to our past experiences.
Schema therapy can help us identify what’s really going on inside our heads when we get angry. Am I overreacting to this situation due to a schema developed in my past? Should I just keep this anger to myself? Will it be useful or counterproductive if I express this anger?
It’s important to express and acknowledge one’s anger, and not repress it. However, this needs to be done with emotional intelligence.
I grew up in an angry and chaotic household where anger was a threat used constantly by our narcissistic parents. “Don’t make me angry or you’ll pay for it!” And we would pay for it emotionally or physically if we complained much.
Anger and frustration tended to go unexpressed until it was too much and family members would then explode at each other, blaming each other for their problems.
In retrospect, I understand our family problem was that we didn’t feel safe discussing problems until we were so annoyed that we would explode in massive rage. None of us were emotionally intelligent, so expressions of anger usually ended in situations we were unhappy with and ashamed of.
Consequently, I developed a strong subjugation schema and emotional inhibition schema that spills over into my relationships at home and at work.
I tend to subconsciously feel that I need to tolerate others’ annoying behavior without complaining much, even when it should be called out. I tend to fear expressing legitimate frustration in case it might produce negative consequences or lead to emotional or physical violence like it did when I was a child.
Emotional intelligence, schema therapy and anger management
These days, through schema therapy, I’ve gotten much better at anger management. I make a point of expressing many of my frustrations as they arise, staying true to my feelings, but without turning each situation into a whining session of negativity designed to attract attention to myself.
Still, my resolve to approach anger management intelligently was significantly tested during a recent long conversation with a friend. By some standards, I passed the test.
She was venting extensively about her personal situation and her fears about her colleagues possibly working against her. However, she had vented to me previously more than once on this subject, and she didn’t have much proof that her suspicion was true, so I was already tired of hearing about it when she started venting again that day.
However, as a friend, I wanted to lend her an ear and some support. As her venting continued, I started disassociating and thinking about my subjugation schema.
I was starting to feel yelled at, as if I were being forced again to listen to my parents’ constant whining about this and that (subjugation schema, I must put up with everything or be yelled at or beaten, right?). My parents are now dead, so that threat no longer exists, fortunately.
I was getting some of that familiar jittery, impatient feeling in my body while she continued with her rant. I watched myself pacing a bit while she ranted, fully aware of my discomfort.
She had few facts to support her rant, so I attempted to soothe her with comments about her suspicion being perhaps not as bad as it appears, and that she should examine that further, but my comments were ignored and talked over. It was becoming clear that ranting was more important to her than discussing facts. or her relationship with me.
It felt like she had been ranting for an hour, but it was probably only 30 minutes, when I got fed up. She started asking what was said about her during conversations between me and my next-door neighbor, as if she were important enough that my neighbor and I had been talking about her each time we met.
At that point, she crossed a personal boundary of mine, one which must never be crossed. She has a massive mistrust/abuse schema, worse than mine. I can’t imagine what kind of boundary violations she grew up with, perhaps many like I had growing up. I try to be compassionate, but at some point, I put up my wall and say that enough is enough.
Within a second, all my worked-at patience, composure and compassion disappeared. I yelled at her and stormed back into my house after she claimed that my neighbor said things that I had never told anyone except her.
I hadn’t yelled at anyone like that in a long time. I initially felt guilty about it because I know it made her feel bad, and I don’t like to make anyone feel bad. That’s how a subjugation schema works. Given my family background, I actually felt ashamed at first of my justifiable anger because it initially felt like an overreaction. “Never make Mom angry or you will pay for it!”
However, my anger was not an overreaction. I’m proud to have stayed through the difficult moments of supporting my friend as much as I could until it became too much, and I’m proud that I was able to express my anger later, at the right time, even though she doesn’t like it.