I grew up under parents who mostly loved us, or at least tried, but they were heavy-handed when it came to punishment and verbal abuse. I grew up always fearing the next argument with my father, which could be at any moment and about anything, and fearing what kind of emotional or physical reprimands that next pointless argument might lead to.
The result is a Subjugation Schema that has run in the background throughout my adult life without my realizing it. I developed a knee-jerk reaction of feeling uncomfortable or intimidated by authority figures in any kind of situation: teachers, bosses, interviewers, friends with more knowledge about a particular subject than me, and even cashiers.
Instead of acting like a confident and whole person, I’ve often compensated for my discomfort by running away from interactions where I perceive myself as an unequal partner, or by being a bit aggressive or contrarian when there was no way to escape. If I couldn’t run away, sometimes I would just shut down and stop talking and listening while remaining physically present.
A few years ago, when I was buying a new truck, I saw my Subjugation Schema emerge in perfect form.
I wanted a particular special edition of a truck that would only be made that year. A limited number of these trucks were to be produced. I had never purchased a brand-new vehicle before, and it was after much research over several months that I finally decided to buy this particular truck.
My chosen dealership did have one of these trucks on order, but it hadn’t arrived yet. No other dealerships in my area had one, and none of them had one on order.
When I visited my dealership, the low-pressure salesperson suggested that I could put down a refundable deposit so that I could have the on-order truck at the quoted price when it would arrive a few weeks later.
I balked at the salesperson’s helpful offer of letting me reserve the truck I wanted. I left the dealership that day with the intention of returning a week or two later when the truck was supposed to arrive. As I had done so many times before, I was running away from the fear of subjugation to an authority figure, instead of dealing with the details of the situation at face value.
Putting down a deposit would have ensured that I get what I wanted, but I was felt too intimidated and couldn’t allow myself to follow a knowledgeable salesperson’s recommendation—even if it was exactly what needed to be done.
Even if a friend had recommended that I follow the salesperson’s advice in order to get what I wanted, I probably couldn’t have allowed myself to follow their instructions either.
My Mistrust Schema also comes equally into play here, since I had background fears that maybe something negative and unanticipated might happen with the transaction only partially completed. Perhaps I would be taken advantage of in some way.
The Subjugation Schema and Mistrust/Abuse Schema walk hand-in-hand in situations like these throughout my life. These days, I recognize them and can even laugh about it sometimes, but I wasn’t always aware of their influence.
A week later, I revisited the dealership to see if “my” truck had arrived. It hadn’t.
By then, I was almost over my fear of subjugation enough to put down a deposit, but it was too late. Someone else had already made a deposit and reserved the truck, like I could have done.
So… the truck I wanted would not be mine, thanks to fears I couldn’t confront or get past.
However… the dealership had just received a similar truck the day before, equally desirable, in a version with slightly fewer options. I looked at it, took it for a test drive, was impressed, and bought it on the spot.
I love this durable truck and have been happily driving it on all kinds of rough terrain for several years now. It’s one of the best purchases I’ve ever made, despite whatever doubts I had at the time.
Looking back, I’m glad my Unrelenting Standards Schema didn’t kick in as it often does. It could have stopped me from buying this great truck just because it was not exactly my first choice.
My Unrelenting Standards Schema makes it easy to dismiss excellent alternatives as undesirable and second-best when I become unnecessarily fussy about adhering to a specific preconceived “perfect” goal.
In the end, my Subjugation Schema prevented me from getting the exact truck I initially wanted, and it could have prevented me from getting any truck at all. I’m glad I didn’t allow that to happen. I’m glad I stepped in and broke through the maladaptive schemas and happily bought a truck that fit my desires.