My ex-partner appears to have a deep punitiveness schema, probably as counter-compensation for a subjugation, defectiveness or failure schema.
When we were together, I would notice multiple instances every week where he would take pleasure in others’ failures, or wish that anonymous people be punished for some small thing that they did that displeased him in some way.
This was before I knew about the vocabulary around schema therapy and maladaptive schemas, so I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, and that there is a pattern to it all. However, I was noticing a “certain thing” that I couldn’t describe yet, and about which I felt quite uncomfortable. I was feeling fear and didn’t realize it.
My problem with his punitiveness schema was that I would end up believing that he would one day be punitive and overly forceful with me too, not just in his thoughts about other people–due to my own mistrust and subjugation schemas.
In reality, he has shown no signs that he would ever treat me punitively. I understand now that my unfounded fears say as much about me as they say about him. I grew up in constant fear of being punished under my parents’ control and have unfortunately carried those expectations about other people into my adult life.
The desire to punish others is very much a bully mentality. Perhaps we develop it from imitating bullies that we admire, such as friends or parents, or perhaps we end up identifying with people who have bullied us at school or in the workplace and adopt some of their behavior.
In an ideal world (no such thing exists), we would simply ignore those who aren’t worthy of our love and respect. We would have no excess negative energy to devote to wishing that they be punished for somehow not meeting our standards, whatever they may be. We would recognize that such people and such thoughts are a waste of our time.
And yet, sometimes we can derive pleasure from wishing failure or punishment upon others; I’ve done it too from time to time.
Being punitive is certainly an attempt at displaying power, even if it’s only imaginary power. We all need to feel a sense of power and control in our lives, so it makes sense that adopting a punitive stance toward the world can help us feel powerful, especially if we feel disempowered by circumstances in our lives.
I conclude that the major problem with having a punitive attitude is that, while it may impress some people as a show of power, it can repel many people and leave the punisher with an empty and unhappy feeling about people because they tend to avoid him.
In an intimate relationship, we have the choice to accept or reject the kinds of attitudes that our partners bring into our surroundings.
For some, a punitive attitude in a partner is something that can easily be dismissed as a mere personality quirk.
For others, like me, a punitive attitude in a partner feels like a constant threat, like a wasp buzzing around one’s head, which may land and sting at any moment, though in reality it might never sting.